Team Thyroid: The Alzheimer’s Years

The Facebook status that inspired our last post, also veered off into this tangent.  Welcome to our new soap opera:  “Team Thyroid:  The Alzheimer’s Years”.  Written by Mere and CancerGirl while they were both completely sober (yeah, we were shocked too).

The setting:  a retirement home.  Gibz and Nat are reminiscing on the good old days.

“Remember that time Splat thought she could jaywalk a busy high way in stilettos during rush hour? The shame of it all was she was sober, so it must have really hurt when she went face first in the curb.”

“Truly amazing! She paddled the Colorado River, rock climbed The Gunks, and yet, her curling iron chord took her out.”

“Wait, who’s Splat?”

“Bless her heart, but Girl was pretty as anything, but not a lick of balance.”

“Between her troll luck, clumsiness, and her stupidity, the guys used to remind her daily that it was a very good thing she was so pretty.”

“if only I had that too!” *old lady mere sits in a corner*

“Aww, don’t feel bad. You were smart enough to survive. Splat wasn’t that lucky, and since she lived up to her name, she wasn’t very pretty after her final splat.”

‎”Poor Splat though, after that Mere took care of her, and that’s how she ended up with her head shaved the other day.”

“Given the noticeable number of scars on Splat’s head, it’s really clear she was earning that nickname long before it was given to her.”

‎”Mere’s not much better. Her rabbit left some pretty impressive claw marks on her chest.”
“I thought those were wrinkles.”

“That’s because Splat would torment the bunny by saying Mere was shaving her next”

‎”It’s ok though, Mere traded their dentures the other day.”

“That couldn’t have ended well.”

‎”Pretty sure Splat dunked them in some kitty litter and gave them back.”
“Sounds like Splat. Especially if there was cat litter all of the floor from her tripping during the process”

“It ended when they exchanged bottles of alcohol. The nurses weren’t very happy to see them sitting in the den getting drunk off the vodka and wine fumes”

“Please tell it wasn’t like last time when they actually swapped out their IV bags and replaced them with alcohol bottles?”

“It was worse, the fumes were there because they’d already spilled most of it. Do you know how hard it is to clean red wine off a couch and two old ladies with dyed hair?”

“Let me guess… red and black splotches on the pillows, purple on the cushions… Splat said part of the reason she drinks Ketel & Club is because the club soda is a built in stain remover for any drunken accidents.”

“Splat is smarter than Mere in that regard, it was her favorite sweater suit that got ruined.”

“The one with the glitter butterflies? NO! At least it wasn’t her purple velour one. That stuff holds on to wine. Maybe we should have the nurses put them in rain ponchos from now on. Or at least on the front porch where they can be hosed off.”

‎”Probably a good idea. We might even be able to substitute some non alcoholic drinks for them, they probably won’t notice anymore.”

“You could probably get away with that with Mere, but you know Splat, if it doesn’t burn when she snorts, she knows it’s not legit”


About Cancer Girl

Living with microscopic metastatic disease since diagnosed with papillary thyroid cancer, follicular variant thyroid cancer, and papillary microcarcinoma in the fall 2008; Chris has written for Dear Thyroid, Everyday Health, Lifescript, and Team Thyroid on what living the new normal means.

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